We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
