My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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