my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
