I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
