News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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