It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
