hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
