i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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