hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
