I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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