Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
