a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
