how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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