i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize