I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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