At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
