you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
