your parents love me but you hate me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
