Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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