The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize