i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I forget how to act sober
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
