i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
