Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
