I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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