tequila makes me forget i have legs
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize