Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
