I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
