I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
