I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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