I cannot find my penis.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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