I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
