My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
