is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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