What a fucking waste of an outfit
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
