This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
