my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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