If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My dick has a subreddit
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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