Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
