Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize