Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
