Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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