I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
