I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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