Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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