i love accidental penises.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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