New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
