Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
