So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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