It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
