Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
