i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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