Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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