cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
