he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
