Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
