Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You took a bar mat shot.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
