I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
