There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
