Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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