he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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