We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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